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Funny Responses to Answer the Phone

Written By Monday, June 27, 2022 Add Comment Edit

Funny ways to answer the phone?

Posted by Erin for Vonage


I call my parents every now and then, and 95% of the time, well knowing it's me, my dad answers the phone with either, "Good evening, Joe's Bar & Grill. This is Joe, how many in your party?" or my other personal favorite, "YYEELLLLOOOOOOOOO?"

What are some weird or funny ways you answer the phone either for people you do or don't know?

59 Replies

  • I like to answer the phone with "Jimmy Johns!" or "WHAT" or just silence so it get's them all shook. POWER MOVES

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  • I had a friend in college who, whenever someone called late at night, would answer thusly:

    Nobody I know would call at this hour!

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  • Not a way to answer the phone per say but my friends and I would record our voicemail greetings as if we were answering the phone then continuing to have a conversation and having the caller believe we were there only to end up with "I'm just joking dude, you got my voicemail, leave a message and I'll get back to you."

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  • "Go ahead caller, you're on the air!"


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  • "Joe's Pool Hall, which 8 Ball you want?"

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  • WIRE THE MONEY OR ELSE

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  • If it's someone I know I sometimes answer "City Morgue; you stab em' we slab em'!"

    CK

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  • "State Farm, This is Jake"

    The quicker thinkers will reply "What are you wearing, Jake from State Farm?"

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  • Answer the phone but put it down and yell at whatever is on TV.

    "Eff sakes Mr. Bean!!"

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  • "Joe's Pizza, you want Chinese?"

    "Cho's Chinese, you want pizza?"

    "At the tone, the time will be..."

    "911, what is your emergency?"

    Recite the answering machine message.

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  • Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race For The Cure.

    A co-worker pretends to do this when I walk by.

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  • Hello. This is Peggy.


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  • I have done the "Joe's Bar and Grill" thing on occasion when I knew who was calling.

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  • [heavy breathing sounds] He's dead now.  [gasp for air]  What do you want me to do with the body?

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  • Thank you for helping, may I hold you?

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  • <insert name, business, whatever> Summer Home.  Some are here, some are not!

    Roadkill Cafe. You kill it, we grill it!

    Mule Barn.  Head ass speaking!

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  • Mike's Bait, Tackle and Lingerie Shop.

    Man, haven't thought of that in years.

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  • When it's one of my buddies, or someone at work I know well:  "Bill's Bait and Tackle."

    My name isn't Bill.

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  • *pick up*

    *13 seconds of silence*

    If they say nothing I hang up.

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  • @@NGIE wrote:

    "Go ahead caller, you're on the air!"


    I'm stealing this

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  • cmdlette wrote:

    *pick up*

    *13 seconds of silence*

    If they say nothing I hang up.

    This is actually my current standard for unknown numbers. I need to answer everything because It *could* be work and I am on-call...but if I don't know the number, chances are high that it's just robo-spam.  If it's a real person, they will say something first.

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  • Rex's Crematorium and Crime Scene Cleanup...

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  • I like to answer calls as the county morgue. Though I've also been known to answer by saying "thank you for calling Marko's Dildo Emporium, how may I direct your call?".

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  • cmdlette wrote:

    *pick up*

    *13 seconds of silence*

    If they say nothing I hang up.

    Except don't do that with my pharmacy. I get automated calls when a Rx is ready but it won't start until it hears someone. I waited a good 30 seconds one time and By Godfrey as soon as I said something it started.

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  • International House of Pancakes, Julie speaking

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  • dimforest wrote:

    @@NGIE wrote:

    "Go ahead caller, you're on the air!"


    I'm stealing this

    me too!

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  • Ted's mule barn, head jacka$$ speaking

    Or my hubs likes to answer "Go for Mark"

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  • I used to answer the phone "City morgue, you stab 'em we slab 'em!"

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  • "Thank you for calling Whatever. Bar & Grille. Notice there's no P in it. How can I help you?"

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  • When my dad answers a telemarking call:

    "(Radio call letters), Your live on the air"

    and my favorite "Sheriff's department, fraud division" lol

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  • "Bailey summer home, some are some ain't"

    "Bailey funeral home, you stab 'em we slab 'em, you kill 'em we chill 'em"

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  • Not really an answer phrase but a few weeks ago some scam tried to call me about car insurance so i told them my name was Joe Smithson (it is not) and gave them false car information. When they went to transfer me to a different department, i hung up. They called back two days later asking for Joe Smithson and i told them that he passed away 2 years ago.

    Other times I just start speaking terrible broken English, some Spanish, or one of the few Japanese phrases I picked up from all the anime. Usually throws them off.

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  • Lafleur laundry, which old bag would you like to speak to?

    $MadeUpName IT Security Department.  How did you get this number? Please be aware that this call is being recorded and traced.

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  • After years in call center support I sometimes still begin my standard tech support greeting "Thank you for calling... uh... Andy, this is Andy. Can I get your serial number please?"

    Sometimes I answer like a hitman packing his rifle into a briefcase and just command "speak."

    I called my sister once and she just asked "what?" like I just said something and she didn't catch it. It was very confusing.

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  • @@NGIE wrote:

    "Go ahead caller, you're on the air!"


    I used to do that when I first got my wireless headset. The callers always got tripped up as I alter my voice.

    "Hi you're on the air caller number 12." *enthusiastically* "You've won!!", *dejectedly* "absolutely nothing. This is IT."

    Pizza pizza!

    Mushi mushi - A Japanese telephone greeting some of my friends use.

    Meow.

    I often answer all my phone lines with "IT". Most of the robo calls don't hear that as a trigger and I get hung up on.

    Whenever I do get a call with a fake caller id, my own number, or a 555, I answer the call "Hello, your caller id is invalid or impossible. You are already lying, what is your next lie?" Any response with a generic company I respond with "You're lying, what's your next lie? What is your real company, liar?" Any response, "How am I to believe you, you already lied 4 times. How about getting an honest job?" I go for soul crushing.

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  • I have used: "Barney's Beef and Things.  You kill it and we'll grill it!  How can I help you today?"

    But Caller ID is paramount for this

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  • I don't say hello. I just start ordering pizzas.

    "Yes I'd like a large extra cheese with sausage, 2 smalls with pepperoni, a side of cheesy bread..."

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  • Varies between:

    "Charlie Browns Auto Repair Shop"

    "Speak" (they way Johnny Sack in The Sopranos answers his phone)

    "Ahoy hoy"

    "What in the name of Satan's Portion do you want now"

    On where I definitely know the who the caller is.  I also like to modify the tag on numbers to something amusing.  When one of the Operations Managers had his third car crash in four months, his mobile was changed to Crash Bandicoot.

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  • "Alcoholics anonymous"

    "Jack Daniels speaking"

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  • I have a few ways to amuse myself when answering the phone, especially if I know its going to be a telemarketer. Some of my favourites I've stolen from people over the years....

    I sometimes pretend that I'm calling someone, so instead of saying, "Hello?" and waiting for the person calling me to talk, I just answer the phone with, "Hi, is Dave there?"

    or

    (away from the phone) "I've told you already I won't let you put that in me."

    (in phone) "Hello?"

    or for the more adventurously inclined,

    Jim's sperm bank. You smack it, we pack it! How can I help you today?

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  • In the style of Papa Lazarou from The League of Gentlemen?


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  • If I don't recognize the number at work, I simply answer "hello."  If it is some numbnuts telemarketer, I start to give them the third degree.  I can put on a wicked Down East accent when I want to and my voice is already gravelly from years of working retail and other assorted jobs when I had to shout constantly to be heard (think the Car Talk guys, only mean sounding).

    "Who is this?"
    "How did you get this number?"
    "This number is not public facing.  I need to know how you acquired it."
    "Then let me talk to the person in charge of this list."

    Or

    "The individual you are looking for is under investigation.  What is your connection to him?"

    Or

    I put them on speaker phone, pull up Captain Clock by Jinjer and just let 'er rip.

    If it is my cell phone and I'm feeling snarky I will generally do one of the following:

    "This Sean Buchard with the FBI department of fraud.  Who am I talking to?"

    If it is the place trying to extend my auto warranty:
    "My name is Dr. Emmett Brown.  Don't forget the 'Dr.'  No, you may not call me Mr Brown.  You may call me Dr.  My car?  A 1982 Delorean DMC12.  What model?  Ma'am they only made one.  Do I have anything newer?  I got this one only a few days ago in the future.  Hello?"

    If it is the place trying to get me a lower credit card interest rate:
    "I have a Capitol 2 card.  No, Capitol 2.  It's like Capitol One only worse."

    Or simply:
    "Who are you looking for?  Oh.  He's dead."

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  • I don't answer the phone. If it was important, they will leave a message. Chances are, it is just whichever scammers Google sold my phone number to.

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  • My father, after years of smoking and circulatory problems, finally got an "implant". At first he didn't want me to know about it (tough career Marine, you know) but he realized it couldn't be a secret since I was going to visit for Xmas right after the surgery when he would be recuperating.

    As time went on I finally stopped calling to chat and saying "Hey, what's up?" Because he would say "Nothing, 'less I pump it up!"

    Guess he did kinda have a sense of humor...

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  • Yeallo!

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  • I like " Yeller ". Don't really get too wild.

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  • cmdlette wrote:

    *pick up*

    *13 seconds of silence*

    If they say nothing I hang up.

    I mean it makes sense, right? If someone calls me they know who i am. If they don't, why should i tell them. They have to tell me who the hell they are and then maybe we can talk. I only answer my mobile phone if i know the caller.

    At work it's different of course, because they might call for a colleague or they might be unsure how to pronounce the clusterfuck of letters that i call my surname.

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  • (off phone) ... Next time make sure he's really dead... (on phone) Yes, I'm busy??

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  • Where I work we have about 100 employees and our phones show us who is calling.  I love nothing more than when our CFO or CEO calls me directly because I have done...

    Thanks for calling technical support.  Due to our extremely heavy call volume your hold time is 30 minutes.  If you would prefer a call back please press 2, hang up, and your call will be returned in the order received.

    The first time I did that to our CFO he had the call on speaker phone and was having trouble with using one of the conference rooms that had 5 guests.  Good times!

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  • MSP I used to work for (2nd tier, no direct client calls ever) with one of the following:

    1. Earth!
    2. Sonar...
    3. Why is my phone ringing?

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Source: https://community.spiceworks.com/topic/2225660-funny-ways-to-answer-the-phone

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